I Feel Like a Monster
by escape-into-myself
Summary: Matt's dreams of Mello becomes reality. YAOI LEMON. Mello and Matt are always together in the afterlife, just like it should be. MelloxMatt. Based off 'Monster' by Skillet.


Escape: Okay, this is my longest oneshot ever and I dedicate this to Scottie Gibbons. I think that's how you spell it. He's is the homophobic man who spoke at a religious convention I attended and I think he would hate this being dedicated to him. This is for you. Man! I don't own Death Note or Skillet, the inspiration for this oneshot.

* * *

_Black._

_Everything around me is covered in a veil of darkness. I have no clue as to where I am. The only thing I know is that I am not alone. I can hear shallow breathing coming from a few yards in front of me. My crimson hair sticks to my face with fear and sweat. What is going to happen to me? I am unaware of my surroundings and with a stranger. Never a good thing._

_Suddenly, a florescent light bulb flickers on and my line of vision stretches a bit farther. The light isn't much but I am able to see a little clearer now. I still can't see the walls or the stranger but at least I know can see if someone approaches now._

_I tense up and try to quiet my breathing as I hear footstep in the darkness coming closer and closer to where I stand, unable to move. I am paralyzed with fear. The body comes close enough so that I can see a wisp of golden hair. _

_Mello's hair._

_I loosen up considerably when I realize the strange man is only my roommate. And the boy I happen to be in love with. I would never tell him though; I value our friendship too much to endanger it with a love confession. I'm not even sure if he likes males let alone me._

_When another light flicks on parallel to the first, I can see there are actually two identical Mellos. Does he have a twin brother new to Wammy's? _

"_M-Mello?" I ask and my voice surprisingly shakes. That's been happening a lot around him recently. _

_The moment I call his name, both Mellos turn their heads in the same way, at the same time. It was as if they were the same person; doppelgangers or mirrored images of each other. _

_Mmmmm, two of Mello; every sane person's dream. _

_I walk over to the lovely duo without even thinking about it. I am his loyal dog; I was taught to follow my master without question or hesitance. _

_The left Mello turns to the one on my right and runs a hand down his torso to land on the zipper at the bottom of his leather vest. I freeze my movements as I see him start to unzip the material and instruct the boy on my right to shrug it off. The shirtless Mello copies the action so that they are both left in only their tight, leather pants._

_Why was the room getting so warm all of a sudden?_

_The left one trailed his hand down his twin's chest slowly and rested it on the ties that held his pants together. Both of their tight pants made mutual arousal quite obvious. As long as I'm not the only one. The blond haired Adonis unties his mirror's pants and slowly pulls them down his legs. I always imagined that he was the type of guy to wear nothing underneath his pants; I suppose I was right. Boxer lines would just not work for him._

_Mello's erection stood proudly in a pool of blond, curly hair. He looked like the embodiment sex itself. The now fully naked one got down on his knees and pulled the bow that held his partner's pants together apart with his perfect teeth. His pants still stuck to his manly frame before his twin had to pull the fabric down to the ground for him to step out of._

_Seeing two naked Mellos in front of me, my hand trailed instinctively down to my aroused groin. I unzipped my strange greenish-colored jeans and removed my hardened member from my prison-like red boxers. I lightly touched my head as I just stared at the two men who just started licking each other all over. _

_I began to pant as I slowly moved my hand up and down the shaft, imagining it was him touching me; my secret unrequited love. Mello. With my free hand, I yank my pants and boxers to rest at my knees as I awkwardly travel it to my entrance. With one hand pumping my length and the other teasing circles around my virginal entrance, I want to scream out from the pleasure I imagine the two boys giving me. I push one finger inside me slowly; turns out I should have wet my digits before penetration. It hurt, but the pain was manageable. I could barely feel it as I watched the Mellos walk over to me; neither trying to conceal their bare bodies. They sauntered over and I dropped my hands from myself as they yanked my shirt over my shoulders and off my mess of hair. _

_One of them tugs my pants all the way off my legs and feet while the other bends down slightly to kiss my lips. Before I was able to return my first kiss, he traveled to my chin and licked from there to my collar bone. I moan as he found my sensitive spot where the shoulder blade connects with the bottom of the neck. _

_The Mello that removed my pants moved his attention to my painfully erect member and touched it hesitantly. I've never felt such wonderful emotions before. Having someone else touch you was much different from doing it yourself. _

_It was that moment that I decided that we were going to have a threesome standing right here and I will be acting as the seme and uke. I pull the boy that was at my groin up to his original height, just a bit taller than me, and put three of my fingers on his lips. He takes them into his eager mouth and suck until my appendages are completely soaked in his juices. _

_The shiny haired boy that was kissing my neck seemed to have the same idea as he moved to stand behind me as he shoved his fingers forcefully into my mouth without asking permission. I didn't mind, in fact, I liked the roughness that was Mello. We seemed to move in sync when I took my fingers out of the first man's mouth as the second took his out of mine. I lightly traveled down the first blonde's back until my digits were met with his entrance. _

_The rougher, seme Mello thrust his fingers into my slightly stretched opening from before making me bend forward, away from the sudden pain; forward happened to be draped over my uke's shoulder._

_I lined my index finger up with my uke's hole and pushed in slowly, waiting for him to adjust. His cries of pleasure drove me to thrust my middle finger in along with my first in time with my seme's. _

_This teasing was becoming pure torture. I want Mello inside of me now; and I want to feel his warm walls tightening around me as he orgasms. I pull my fingers out of the man in front of me and he groans in frustration from the loss of contact. I line my painfully erect penis with his entrance and slowly push inside of one of my lovers._

_He cries out in pain and throws his head back to land on my shoulder, now looking up at me. When I was inside him up to the hilt, his facial expression changed from one of agony to that of euphoria. I stayed in place inside my submissive lover as my aggressive one pounded inside of my virgin entrance. I bit my uke's shoulder to keep quiet my cries of discomfort. The feeling of having someone inside of me was so foreign but so wonderful. It's a feeling that I'd never be able to describe, no matter how hard I try._

_I pull out of the first man's entrance as the second stays inside of me. When I thrust back into my more submissive lover, my seme pulls out of me; once I'm fully sheathed in him again, Mello thrusts back into my entrance. _

_I open my mouth to cry out in ecstasy only to find that no sound will come out. Actually, I can't even breathe! I try to take a deep breath but I can feel an invisible object pressing down over my face and mouth. _

A pillow? What the hell?

I open my eyes and see a pure white pillow being held down over my face. I push it off and see Mello standing to the left side of my bed, still in his black pajama pants, holding said pillow, looking pissed for waking him up at such an ungodly hour.

"Dude, what the hell? You wake me up at 4:36 in the morning on a test day? No!" He yelled angrily as he yanked back my covers and forcefully pulled me out of bed and onto the floor; I landed on my stomach and he grabbed my ankle. He was going to drag me to the bathroom by the feet and flush my face in the toilet, again, until he noticed my erection.

"Oh ho ho! Wet dream, eh? Was it about Alternate again?" Mello chuckled; anger forgotten.

"Y-yeah," I lied, remembering the day I first talked to A. I used to have a thing for her and it comes in handy when I need to lie about my homosexual fantasies.

"_A!? Open up the door!" My seven year old voice called through the bathroom door in her room. Before Mello moved in to the orphanage, A and had been inseparable friends._

"_It's not locked, just come on in," I heard her high pitched but more mature sounding nine year old voice call through the wood. _

_I bust through the door, eager to tell my best friend about my new blond haired, blue eyed roommate until I noticed something different. She was pulling her pajama shirt on and didn't have pants or panties. Where was her penis, as the older, cooler boys called it? Hers wasn't just small, it wasn't even there! Did she break it off?_

"_A, where is your pen-us?" I asked, messing up the pronunciation a bit, but it still made me feel grown up. _

"_My what?" She asked confusedly. She had been taught that different genders had different reproductive organs while I had not. I thought everyone was the same down there. "My penis, you mean?"_

"_Yeah!" I blushed a bit when I realized I said it wrong._

"_Uhmm, girls don't have those Mattie." It was her turn to blush as she pulled her shirt down awkwardly to cover herself. I thought her blush looked really pretty with her red, curly hair and bright green eyes. Most girls made fun of her because she still had some of her baby fat but I always thought she was beautiful._

"_Really?" I asked, my embarrassment was replaced with curiosity. "Can I see yours again?"_

"_Uhmm…..okay, only if I can see yours. I never saw one outside a textbook before," she said a little anxiously._

_I pulled down my Squirtle print, oversized pajama pants and my tidy whiteys and let them drop to the floor. Her amazed stare made me slightly uncomfortable, but we're best friends, so this is okay. _

"_Your turn," I say blushing, I wanted to know how girls could be so different from boys. I heard rumors that when we get older boys have to stick their thingies inside the girls'. I never knew how that would work because I thought we were the same._

_She lifts up her light green buttoned pajama shirt to reveal the pink fold between her legs. _

"_Do all girls look like that?" I asked while openly staring at her; my orange goggles lay on the top of my bright red hair that almost matched her own._

"_Uh huh. Well, at least that's what Teacher told us."_

"_C-can I touch you?" I ask while I extend my hand to….what was it the big boys called it? Her kitty? Yeah, her kitty._

"_Huh?! Oh, I guess so," she squeaked out._

_I poked the front of her kitty and then moved down between her legs. She yelped as I found some type of hole; was she stabbed or something? I hope not. Maybe this was normal for girls. I hope not, this is actually pretty gross. Girls are really icky. Why can't they be familiar like boys? _

"_Can I touch you, Matt?" She asks as I release my cupped hand from her kitty._

"_Okay, but just don't break mine off too." I watched her small hand as it hesitantly got closer to me. She lightly poked the tip with her index finger and a jolt went down my toes and up my spine. She gently wrapped her hand around me and I gasped and pulled away. "I…I gotta g…go," I stammer as I pull my pants up and ungracefully trip out the door._

_I run back to my room with the front of my pants balled up in my fists. _

That was one of the last times I talked to A. That was also the day I realized that I preferred men to women. Alternate is still in the orphanage, she's first in rank actually; followed by Beyond, Near, Mello, Me, and in sixth place sat Linda. Linda is an awful little girl who likes to make up lies about people for her own enjoyment.

I miss talking to her sometimes (A that is), when I see her in the hallways, she always looks so depressed. She looks like she wants to kill someone or herself. I know she would never do that, but still. Her eyes look empty now, no longer the bright green they once held. But then again, girls _are_ different, this is probably normal too. She has also lost a lot of weight. She's past skinny and moved to unhealthy and pale. Not even a normal pale, almost like a grayish tint to her skin.

"So give me the details," Mello commanded, snapping me out of my flashback and thinking about spoilers for the novel.

"Nothing special, I just pounded her into the carpet. Now can I go masturbate, please?" I ask impatiently, dying for climax.

"Oh, sure man," he said as he released his death grip on my ankle.

I ran clumsily to the bathroom as I heard him get back into bed. The squeaking of the springs in his mattress calms me down. Once I am positive he was asleep, I take out my still hardened member and start to stroke myself. I had touched myself before, on more than one occasion, but this was the first time where Mello was within earshot if he simply awoke. The thought that he was so close made me purr uncharacteristically.

I conjured up an image of my blond haired imagined lover and closed my eyes while I rocked my hips against my hand. Mello and I are in a stall in the abnormally clean Wammy's bathroom. He had his hand cupped around my lower self and his other traveled to capture my face. He leans down to kiss my lips as he lightly touches my balls making me let loose a strange hissing noise. He rolls them around my testicles in his warm hands and I regrettably notice he's still clothed. Before I could fix my earlier revelation, I felt myself getting closer to the edge.

Suddenly, I'm no longer in a stall with Mello; I'm back in my own bathroom cleaning semen off of the shower wall. God, I've reached a new low: cleaning my seed off of our shared bathroom wall with one of the socks I was wearing.

I hear a shy knock on the bedroom door and wonder who's wandering the halls at four-something in the morning. I shuffle out of the bathroom and open the door to find that no one's there. A ding dong ditch-er? Really cool. I looked down the hallway and see a swish of retreating red hair. I look down at the ground and notice there's some type of paper note folded in the doorway. I pick it up and walk back to my bed. I turn the lap next to my bed on and lay down on top of the sheets. I unfold the piece of paper to read.

"I am sorry" was scrawled on the paper in shaky handwriting. Who…? Alternate's handwriting. But why would she leave me a note, especially one that didn't make any sense. There was nothing to be sorry about; it was my fault. I overreacted and ran out, never to see her again.

I turn out the light and decide that I'm going to talk to her about it tomorrow. Maybe we could be friends again.

* * *

I awake to screams and… 6:37 in the morning. Wonderful. Am I going to get any sleep tonight? I run out to the hallway tiredly to see what the matter was and see everyone else doing the same. I lookdown the hall and see Roger, L, and Watari standing as Alternate's door. Why is Watari drying? No…. she didn't. She didn't!

Without thinking, I run down the hallway to her room. Everything seems to be in slow motion. I push my way past the trio to see my former best friend suspended from the ceiling from her neck.

She hung herself.

That's why she apologized. She knew that would be that last thing she ever said and she chose to leave her sui- no I can't say the word. It's too soon. She left her last words with me. I fall to my knees and have to be forced out of the room by the paramedics who came to get A. They grab me around my arms and drag my kicking body out of the room and lock me in my own. 'For my own sake' they say. They lie; I want to be with her.

She is still here! She's still alive! She's alright and tomorrow we're going to be friends again!

Mello somehow stayed asleep through the whole time but woke to my sobs.

"Shut the hell up man. What's the matter this time?" He asked annoyed.

"….You can be pretty damn insensitive sometimes, you know!" I roared. "A just… she just…she killed herself!" I failed at trying to come up with a better word for it.

"…Oh, I'm sorry," he said while looking down at his feet without knowing how to comfort me.

"Don't say that! Those were her last words!" Hearing those words tore a hole in my heart.

"Look, I know that you loved her, and I'm here for you," Mello said as he met my teary eyes.

"But I'm not in love with her! I love you idiot! I have since we were kids!" I yelled through the moisture on my face. Oh God, did I just say that out loud? He looked pretty shocked. I slapped my hand over my mouth to keep anymore nonsense from escaping.

I get up to run to the bathroom, seeing as that's the only place I can run to since I'm locked in, but he captures my wrist.

"Let go," I cry as I try to pull free. He just ignores me and pulls me into a tight embrace. He pets my hair roughly in a sort of comforting way. "Let go," I whisper, all my motivation flew out the window when our bodies connected.

"I love you, Mello," I chocked out and crushed my eyes together waiting for his reply.

"…." He didn't respond and I felt my heart break. I saw our faces get closer bit by bit. I pushed my face forwards and capture his lips with my own. It was a sad excuse for a kiss but he slowly responded. He responded! I trailed my tongue across his bottom lip as I push him forcefully onto his bed. I climb on top of him and tangle my hands in Mello's golden hair. It was even softer than I imagined in the darkest corners of my mind.

I need him to take my mind off A. Need him to take his mind off how it was my fault she was gone.

I forced my tongue into his mouth as I felt him open it slightly. I could taste the dark chocolate on his lips, Mello always tasted so good. Maybe he wants this too?

Our tongues battle for dominance and his won as he flipped me onto my back before climbing on top of me. He pins my wrists above my wrists above my head and breaks free from the kiss.

"Are you sure?" He asks while looking into my eyes for some trace of doubt. I answered him with a forceful kiss. He pulls my orange goggles off of my head and throws them to the bedside table. I hurriedly unzip his leather vest and push it off his well toned shoulders. Sometimes I wish I was as in shape as him.

He tugs my shirt over my head and throws it somewhere behind us. He trails his hands shakily over my chest and rubs his thumbs over my pink nipples while we continue our heated kiss. I purred into his mouth when he pinched my left nipple beneath his fingers. He abandoned his post on my erect nipple and moved his lips to my neck. I tilted my head to the side to give him easier access; his teeth began to knead the skin on my neck. I gasped out slightly in pleasure, his hands moving farther up my chest. He ran his index finger around the outside of my nipple and I shuddered deeply, "Mel.."

How did he mange to get a tattoo when he barely ever leaves the orphanage? Right on his right hip was an intricate cross with a crown of thorns balanced on the top of it. I traced over the pattern with my index finger as we broke apart for air.

I wrapped my arms around his back. His touch had made me so hot. I wanted him badly. I wanted to forget tonight.

My hands moved downward, grasping Mello's custom made belt buckle, undoing it. Taking his belt and removing it, I couldn't see how hard he is through that tight leather he always wears. I grabbed at the ties keeping those tight, sexy leather pants up, tangling my fingers in them while trying to work the knot Mello tied.

He fingered the silver button holding my pants together before popping it out. He slowly moved the zipper down to the bottom of the zipper track. I pulled his leather pants over his tight rear section and down his tanned thighs. Wearing black all the time in the sun did wonders for his complexion. He kicked his legs out of the restraining black fabric.

He was fully erect, and at that moment, I couldn't think of anything in the world I wanted more than I wanted Mello inside of me.

I rip my pants off of my lanky frame eagerly needing his touch. I kick them to the end of the bed and they land on the light blue comforter. The only thing separating our aching members is my pair of red boxers that are currently suffocating my arousal.

I'm having sex to forget my former best friend's suicide. I feel like a monster. I hate what I've become.

He removes my engorged manhood from their prison and gives it a shy lick making me hiss. I know this is both of our first times. His tongue explores under my foreskin and I feel like I'm going to lose control. That sounds silly though, I lost my control a long time ago. I start to thrash about as he runs his warm tongue up and down the bottom of my length while he cups my balls. He holds my hips down as he deep throats me entire length. I can't believe this is actually real. But it has to be, doesn't it? My dreams were never this vivid. Oh God, please let this be real! I'd die if this was just another one of my fantasies. I start to tighten and I know I'm close to orgasm.

"I'm g..gonna….cu-" I groaned as I released into his waiting mouth. He swallowed most of my seed but what was left dribbled down his chin and on onto my stomach. He looked so beautiful. He raised his hands and gently pushed three fingers into my mouth and ordered me to suck. I did so willingly; wetting them to the point where they could be considered drenched. He groaned before he took them out and lined them up with my entrance for the second time that night. Only this time it was real, right? It has to be. It can't be a dream!

He pushed his first finger into my entrance and I want to run. I've wanted this for so long but was it worth the pain? This feeling was so strange. Much different that pumping in and out of myself during sleep. Once my cries of protest die down, he adds another finger and makes scissoring motions inside of me. I buck my hips into his hand to feel more of his skin. Such simple touches from this boy drove me insane. I want him inside of me now!

"Gah…Me-Mello..I'm r…ready," I grunt out honestly. I groan in frustration and anxiousness when he withdraws his fingers from my hole. He lines up his throbbing member up with me and I almost feel bad for making him wait so long.

He inches into me slowly and I recoil at the pain. I hated him for causing this pain. My muscles instinctively tensed up at the feeling of the foreign object and I felt remorseful for hurting him in my selfishness. Once he was fully sheathed inside of me, Mello waited a few moments for me to adjust to his well endowed length. He cautiously pulled out when my face contorted from agony to pleasure.

He thrusts into me with slightly more force, sending me into a euphoric state. I wrap my thin legs around his torso as we start to move in sync after a few minutes of awkward thrusting. I screamed in pleasure when he hit my prostate with his powerful thrusts. Once…Twice…Three times before I felt myself getting so close to the edge again.

Mello, never being one to accept coming first, started to pump my once again hardened length with his time. I couldn't hold it any longer as I came onto his chest and my face with long ropes of semen. When my inner walls tightened around his penis, I could feel his throbbing become faster and I knew he was close to climax as well. I met his thrust with mine driving him over the edge.

Being filled to the hilt with his warm seed was like heaven. A part of him was now a part of me. We just shared with each other our first time and I regret nothing.

I pull him next to me into a warm embrace as he slides his way out of my entrance. We lie in silence, just holding each other, for what seems like hours until his breathing slowed to a steady pace and into a quiet slumber. I ran my fingers through his silky hair as I try to time my breaths with his until I fall into a deep slumber as well.

* * *

I woke up, expecting to find Mello in my bed but found nothing of the sort. I open my eyes to a sterile white room. I look down to see myself bound be a straight jacket of sorts and my body strapped to a metal table that stood at roughly 70 degrees.

"Me-Mello?" I croaked out. A nurse scurried in to the bleach smelling room and stared up at me with a clipboard in her hand.

"I'm sorry sir, I'm new and wasn't aware of your sleeping patterns so I wasn't here when you woke up," said the mousy nurse with brown hair and freckles.

"Where am I?" I ask her. They must have me heavily drugged as well because I can't feel my own damn body.

"You are currently in Somerset County Mental Hospital," she squeaked as she pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose.

"I'm in an asylum? Why? And where's Mello?" I ask.

"We prefer not to call it that. You are in here because you became mentally unstable at the loss of your friend. I'm assuming that was the 'Mello' you were referring to." She looked kind of nervous delivering this news.

Everything came flooding back to me. Mello was killed by Takada because of Kira. I was able to escape with my bulletproof vest. In my rage I stormed into the Japanese Police force and killed Ratio Yagami, the man Mello was convinced was Kira. I had no proof, only blind accusation. I was put here instead of jail. I would have preferred jail. In jail they don't try to 'cure' you. Here, everything is inhumane. Most asylums have adopted newer, less painful treatments with time. Not this one.

It feels like everyday I am taken to a plain room with a two-way mirror and strapped to a revolving chair. It is set to spill 100 times per minute. 'Treatment' is torture.

I didn't realize I was crying until the nurse came over and wiped away the tears with a tissue. She reminded me so much of my mother, but alas, she, along with everything else that I once loved is dead. Mom, Dad, Mello, A, L, Watari, everyone who ever cared about me is dead. Is it my fault? It seems like the people who never cared for me are fine except for Near. Near and I had never hated each other. But we couldn't be friends because of Mello.

I work my hands discreetly to unhook the sleeves from myself. After the roughly 23 minutes it took to free myself from those I thrashed about and ripped the restraints on the table off. The motherly nurse ran and hit a red button that set off an army of alarms and tried to run out of the room. I decided to stop her because a hostage would make escape so much easier. I grabbed her from behind and searched for a knife on t he metallic table beside my 'bed'. I put it to her throat and whispered, "It's going to be fine, I will not hurt you. I just need to get out of here. I want to be with Mello again. But if you tell them that my threats are hollow, I will not hesitate to kill you."

She nodded swiftly in response before I pushed her out the door in front of me; her body acting as a human shield. When I got out of the room, I saw a mob of doctors holding needles filled with what can be assumed as tranquilizers.

"If any of you take a step, I kill the girl," I hissed.

She must have been well liked because they hesitated. That was all I needed to get my running start. I slung her over my shoulder in case I needed her later and sprinted down the hallway to God-knows-where. All the while she pounded her fists into my back in a futile attack while yelling to let her go. Now I remember why I enjoyed killing the Yagami guy: the adrenaline rush was better than any other drug. I knew I wasn't going to kill an innocent, but having her with me would make this so much easier.

I wasn't even trying to escape the asylum; I only wanted to be with Mello again. I'd do anything to be with him. Even meet him in heaven, which is what I was planning. I just needed to buy myself enough time to do it. Find an empty room and toss the girl and I could finally be with my love once again. I was running out of energy as I neared a conveniently placed closet on my left.

I quickly placed the woman down and carried my weapon into the closet while locking the door behind me. I ignored the banging on the door and the voices coming down the hallway as I put the blade to my throat.

I kept chanting in my head that 'this is for Mello' and that this was what's best. I figured that fast was the best way to do it as I pushed the metal into my jugular. Everything went black almost immediately.

The black morphed into a leather vest that smelled of chocolate and I knew I was safe. I was in Mello's arms again and I would never leave.

* * *

"I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun, I must confess that I feel like a monster." Monster-Skillet

* * *

Escape: That has to be the most depressing thing I've ever written. You are welcome for the fluffy ending though. I would have cried myself to sleep tonight without it. Please Review and I will love you forever. I want to know if I'm at least decent at writing yaoi.

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